I have been contemplating what to say for a new post for a while now…and I realized just today, that I don’t know what to say. For once, I have no desire to say anything. I don’t feel compelled to continue my website, at least for the foreseeable future. I don’t feel like talking about my teaching career, or the excitement I get when I teach history to my students, or even the joy I receive when I get to geek out at a museum or historical site.

No desire. Whatsoever.

And I don’t care.

Right now, I’m trying to come up for air and survive.

Recently, I lost a friendship with the guy I had dated a couple of summers ago. I was optimistic that we could forge a friendship, and all seemed well for awhile, but then, in January, he fell off the face of the earth once more, gave me no indication he was done with being friends, ignored my text messages, and did not acknowledge anything that I sent to his daughter. I think, honestly, that’s what I’m more disappointed about this friendship ending…that I don’t get to have a friendship with his daughter, even though he promised me I’d always be able to maintain one.

Losing this friendship, with no explanation, has impacted me more than I thought it would. I know we weren’t meant to be together in the romantic sense, but I had hope for a friendship…and I thought he did too. He’s gone. His daughter is gone. And I have to accept that, even though it’s been difficult to do so. I remind myself every day that they do not belong in my life anymore and I did what I could do keep the friendship going.

This, combined with the facts that:

My reproductive health is still affecting my day-to-day activities
I’m tired, but can’t pinpoint why I feel so tired (thyroid, maybe?)
this past week, I finally realized that my relationship with my father is a detriment to my personal life, and my anxiety/depression, while better than it has been since I have a therapist, still needs better control.

I could go on a tangent about my father, so I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest Version:

Nothing and no one makes him happy. I will not subject a future, potential boyfriend to my father’s beliefs, attitudes, behavior, and temperament. I don’t want this future, potential boyfriend ending a relationship with me because of my father (much like the guy mentioned above had done when he ended it with me in the Summer of 2021).

Simply put, I just want to feel better…in some way…whether it be physically or emotionally first…but I don’t know exactly how to make that happen. But I know that continuing to blog about the topics and career that used to bring me happiness isn’t going to help me feel better…since I can’t even find a silver lining in teaching history.

It’s sad for me to admit that I’ve lost the spark of loving to teach history.

But at least I’m being honest with myself.

I can’t say if I’ll come back to this website. I can’t decide if teaching is going to be my future.

I’m lucky, right now, to be able to make it out of bed every morning and find some solace during this difficult, uncertain time, in my faith.

So, I’m going keep doing that for now, and place this site on a moratorium.

Pray that I find some relief and come back sooner, rather than later, before I lose all momentum.

Many happy returns…

-kate.