Dear Grandma,

It has been ten years to this day since I lost you. That this family lost you. There has not been a day that I don’t think of you over these past ten years; that you’re not a part of my daily thoughts. As my life goes on, I will only continue to think of you.

I still vividly remember the day I found out you had passed. I had just started my first semester of grad school, I was working two jobs to pay my tuition, desperate to not take out any student loans. I was also trying to pocket some extra money to visit you in Laredo during Spring Break. I was exhausted and the school term had just started.

I went to work at Wegmans that day, a 5 AM shift in the bakery, and was hopeful that when I got home, after a relaxing shower, would be able rest for a little while before tackling some assigned reading for class. I was home by 2 PM…only to find my mamá’s car in the driveway when I arrived at the house. That was an unusual sight.

My mamá, who was not yet retired, was home early from work. She was never home early when she was teaching. She never took days off. Her school day ended at 4:15!

I had an inkling as to why she was already home. I knew you had been sick. I knew you hadn’t been doing well. I didn’t think your illness would last long; that you would be fine, you would bounce back, and we would visit you in Laredo eventually. My inkling was proven correct when I walked out onto the deck. My parents were seated there; my mamá’s eyes bloodshot, her face fallen and ashen, and that’s when I knew. She didn’t have to say a word as I wrapped her in a hug, letting her blouse absorb my own wave of tears.

I knew you were gone.

We flew to Laredo to say our goodbyes. All your children and grandchildren were there for one final moment with you, our matriarch…the tender heart of the family. You had a beautiful Catholic funeral mass and were buried, as promised, right beside grandpa. “Together Forever,” as it always said on your shared tombstone.

I think of the way that you loved. The way you showed love in this world. I knew you never had much financially. Mamá always said how the family struggled with money when she was growing up. You and grandpa worked hard to put a roof over the heads of your children, to feed them, and to put them through college if they wished…because you valued education so much. There wasn’t, however, room for little luxuries. But having money and material things didn’t matter. All the love you showed your children…the love you showed me…in my twenty two years of knowing you…

I never needed you to buy me anything fancy to prove you loved me. All I ever needed from you was your smile, your laughter, and your ability to turn my worst day into the best. All I needed was your perfect Mexican cooking, and your amazing flour tortillas - you should know that mamá has mastered the recipe now. All I needed was a hearty bowl of your caldo de pollo to feel better during a bad cold…I’ve learned to make it myself so I can be reminded of you in every way possible.

You were like St. Thérèse of Lisieux, the “Little Flower,” showing love in your own “little way” every single day you lived. It was because of you that I learned how to love with all my heart; how to show love, how to give love…how to be kind to others, even if they aren’t so kind to me. And I’m not saying I’m perfect, but even mamá tells me that while I have a giving heart, sometimes I show too much love to the people I want to be loved by in return. When I realize that they don’t love me (especially when it comes to romantic pursuits), my heart, then, is the one that is broken, and that heartbreak is magnified due to the effort I put in trying to prove that I was worthy of someone’s love.

How I wish I had a love right now like you and grandpa did. How I wish I could find that someone that I could be “together forever” with like you and grandpa are now in heaven. And I’ve tried, grandma. I’ve tried being like you and showing my love through my own “little way.” By being thoughtful, by always looking out for the other person, by knowing them, by learning them. I know that you would have wanted me to find the right person to live this life with, but unfortunately, as you can probably see while you watch over me, this has not happened. There are days where I doubt my kindnesses, there are days where I ask myself…why even bother trying to prove I have a kind heart? Why try, over and over again, showing up for someone I want to be loved by…when I haven’t had someone, ever, try to show up for me?

Today's temporary Facebook profile picture

But then I remember all the sacrifices you’ve made, and I know in the end, that all you want for me is to be happy. There doesn’t have to be another person in my life to make me happy, as long as I take care of myself, as long as I am safe and loved…I know that is truly what you want for me. Thank you for showing me how to love. Thank you for reminding me that it is better to give love than to be nasty, cold, and bitter. Thank you for teaching me how to be kind. Thank you for encouraging me every day to give my best to my students and teach them how important it is to learn. Mamá always said how you wanted to continue your education, but you couldn’t because you had to help out at home after you graduated high school. You, however, didn’t let your inability to go to college make you jealous or resentful of others who could. You let your own children choose their path in this life, you promised them a college career, and in the end, your two daughters became teachers. My brother, your grandson, became a middle school band director. He doesn’t do it anymore, but he enjoyed it while he could before COVID destroyed his passion…

…And me, still teaching American history to a bunch of chatty, hormonal seventh graders. As challenging as it’s been with COVID these past few years, grandma…as much as I’ve doubted myself and my future as a teacher, it’s because of you that I keep going. I want to give my students all the appreciation you had for education and learning. I’ve had my rough years; it has been a difficult time, but in the end, you motivate me to not give up on these kids…to help them learn what it is to listen, learn, to want to gain an education, and that there is more to life than video games, sports, and being an influencer. The important factor for them to have a successful start in life is a solid school career…and a teacher who wants to actually teach them.

September 19th is the hardest day of the year for me. It will always be the hardest day of my year. Today, I completed the same routine I always do when September 19th arrives. I kept to myself, I thought of you, I dedicated my daily rosary to you, I changed my Facebook profile picture to my favorite one of us for the day, and I got ice cream in honor of you and how you were always willing to treat your grandchildren to a cone or milkshake. After school, I made a Target run, and then went to Five Guys and ordered a milkshake - this is the only place where it is acceptable to add bacon to your ice cream. I happily sipped my milkshake on my drive home as I streamed a Beatles playlist on Spotify, because you loved their songs so much. All my moments today were intentionally for you.

But please remember that every day, you’re in my mind. Every day, I pray for you. Every day, I look at those four words tattooed on my forearm; those four words you’d call out to me as I waved goodbye to you from the car at the end of every visit:

Que le vaya bien.

That all will be well.

And I know that all is well for you right now in heaven; I’m so relieved to know you’re at rest and in eternal paradise. I know that you are making sure that all is still well for me...my God sent guardian angel, protecting and watching over me on this earth. You have always been my guardian angel; I knew I was safe with you in your care when you were alive. God blessed me by giving someone so kind and sweet as you to be my grandmother. He knew what he was doing by giving you to guide me in this life. No matter how old I get, I could never forget you and all the ways you showed me how to love unconditionally, without anything expected in return - as difficult as that can be sometimes.

I’m glad you’re not suffering anymore. I can clearly envision you right now on some comfortable cloud in the sky, eating all the ice cream in the world, laughing and smiling beautifully, with grandpa at your side. Please say hi to him for me.

All will be well, thanks to you.

Love always,

Kate